Parenting as an Adoptee: Navigating Identity, Loss, and Healing in Parenthood
Understanding the Adoptee Experience in Parenthood
Parenthood is a transformative journey for anyone, but for adoptees, it can bring up powerful emotions tied to identity, belonging, and loss.
At Adoptee Identity, we recognize that becoming a parent as an adoptee often reopens conversations about origin stories, family history, and what it means to nurture a child when your own beginnings carry unanswered questions.
According to the National Institutes of Health, adoptees face a silent public health crisis:
4x greater risk of attempting suicide than non-adopted peers
2x more likely to develop a substance use disorder
These statistics highlight the importance of mental health support for adoptees, especially during major life transitions like pregnancy, adoption, or early parenting.
The Hidden Layer of Adoption Trauma
Every adoption begins with separation. Even in loving adoptive families, the loss of connection with a biological mother is a foundational trauma. For adoptees who become parents, pregnancy and birth can resurface those early emotional imprints - consciously or unconsciously. Healthcare providers, birth professionals, and mental health practitioners can support adoptees by acknowledging this truth and making room for both grief and joy.
Parenthood for adoptees isn’t just about caring for a new life, it’s also about reconnecting with parts of one’s own story.
Why Adoptees Often Start Parenthood with Less
When medical professionals ask about family health history, adoptees often face blank spaces where answers should be. Without genetic or familial background, pregnancy can be full of unknowns, from health risks to emotional triggers.
For many adoptees, a newborn may be the first biological relative they’ve ever met. That moment can be profound, healing, and overwhelming all at once.
For a moment, imagine being the only person in the world that you knew you were related to.
Me and my husband, Jake. I still had 2 months to go…believe it or not!
Recognizing “Big Feeling Days” for Adoptees
At Adoptee Identity, we use the term Big Feeling Days to describe life moments when emotions feel amplified, when love, loss, and identity come to the surface all at once.
Common Big Feeling Days include:
Deciding to become a parent
Exploring fertility options (IVF, surrogacy, adoption, donor conception)
Discovering a pregnancy
Experiencing birth and postpartum transitions
Holding a child for the first time
Witnessing developmental milestones
These are moments when adoptees may feel both joy and grief — and both are valid.
Common Reflections and Emotional Triggers
As adoptees enter parenthood, many find themselves asking questions like:
What was my birth mother’s experience when she found out she was pregnant?
Did she hold me after I was born?
How could she have said goodbye?
Will I be a good parent if I was given away?
My birth parents missed these moments with me — how do I hold that truth?
These reflections are not signs of instability or ingratitude — they’re a natural part of the adoptee's healing journey.
How to Support Adoptee Parents: Tips for Providers and Loved Ones
Supporting adoptees through pregnancy and parenting begins with empathy and awareness.
Here are key ways healthcare professionals and allies can help:
Normalize emotional complexity: Ask open-ended questions about how adoption may connect to pregnancy or parenthood.
Document adoption status in health records — many systems (like Epic) allow this.
Affirm identity with statements such as: “It must feel meaningful to see yourself reflected in your child.”
Encourage community connection: Support groups, online adoptee communities, and therapy can all help process emotions.
This approach — what we call identity-driven care — helps adoptees feel seen, validated, and supported as whole people.
What Not to Say to Adoptees
Even kind intentions can hurt when they minimize adoptee experiences. Avoid phrases like:
“You must feel lucky to be adopted.”
“You should be grateful for your family.”
“You look just like (fill in the blank), I can’t believe you're not related!”
Unless you share lived experience with adoption, steer clear of comments like: “My friend just adopted a baby!”
Instead, follow the adoptee’s lead. Listen. Ask how you can support them. As one adoptee beautifully said:
“Don’t tell us we’re lucky — tell us it’s okay that we’re sad.
Tell us that missing people we don’t know is okay,
and that loving two moms is safe to say out loud.”
Looking Ahead: Building a Future of Visibility and Healing
At Adoptee Identity, we’re committed to transforming how society understands and supports adoptees — not only in childhood, but throughout adulthood, and specifically for those of us who go on to become parents.
Launching in 2026, our well-being platform for origin, identity, and visibility will provide education, connection, and care tailored to adoptee experiences. Created by adoptees, for adoptees and our village.
Hilarious baby Rowan, who somehow turns 9 this Winter Solstice.
